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Bullies bully for varying reason. Every anti-bullying site out there seems to have different opinions on why bullies do the things that they do. I’ve gone through several and have pinned down the reasons that I see pop up most often. At the bottom of this page, I’ll provide links to the main sites I have gathered information from, and I encourage you to visit them and read what they have to say for yourself.
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I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it. These are solely my opinions. I have no degree in psychology, nor am I an expert of any sort. I speak from what I have learned by experience and research. I urge you to contact someone of authority if you believe you are being bullied or if you know someone who is being bullied. Remember, no matter what, suicide is never an option. You are wanted and loved, even if you don’t realize it. If you are considering suicide, I beg of you to talk to a doctor, go to the E.R., or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255.
1. Power
Bullies feel more powerful when they bully. Its a high they get. They take pleasure in proving that they are more powerful, stronger, and even meaner than their chosen victim(s).
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These people are often powerless somewhere else in their life. Whether it is a bad marriage, or just a mental illness that makes them feel vulnerable, they try to regain that power through bullying others. These people often lack any kind of empathy towards others, and seek to dominate as many people as they can. They can, and do, use fear as their weapon: fear of violence, fear of demotion, fear of losing a job, fear of suspension in school. It all equates to power. They hold their victims lives in their grip, and use that hold often.
2. Reward
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This reward could be lunch money, popularity, the love of a parent, or promotion. No matter the case, the reward is never going to be enough. The targets for these bullies can be anyone from the lonely girl in the corner of the lunch room reading her book, or the top sales associate with an office full of friends. There is no “typical” for these bullies, but the all want the reward.
Gaining it not only means gaining some semblance of power, but its a true reward. Think Pavlov and his dogs. Bullying is the bells, and the popularity is the dog food. They continue bullying simply because they continue to be rewarded for bullying.
3. Prejudice
Hate groups are the biggest section of this category, but not all. People are stupid in larger groups, no matter how intelligent an individual may be. Its nature, unfortunately. These bullies feed off the “hive minds” of others.
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Most people, when they meet someone new, their mind is already processing facts: skin color, sexual orientation, nationality, heritage, social class, and more. Our prejudices are a result of how we react to that information. Do we treat the other person as if these bits of knowledge mean nothing, or do we change our behavior? These bullies use this information in spiteful ways, shunning anyone who doesn’t fit the right mold for them.
This, sadly, isn’t directed at only one group though. I will say, there is no reverse racism. Racism is racism is racism. I don’t care if the one being hateful is Spanish, Russian, Native American, or Martian; its hatred towards another race. Its wrong, and its bullying. I’ve seen people from the LGBT camp just as hateful as the ones from the other side of the battle line. And yes it is, sadly, a battle line.
This behavior is often rewarded by bucketfuls of media coverage, and continued followers. Break the coverage, break the chain of followers, and break the bully.
4. Fear
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Whether it is fear of the unknown, or a specific fear (such as losing a job or failing a class), these bullies use fear as their main motivation. Something has these bullies deep down terrified, and the only way they can see to ease that fright is to cause the same, or more, in their victims.
Fear is already a nasty little bugger, controlling its victims like puppets any time it comes to visit. Bullies are no different, but they allow that fear to control them in negative and harmful ways.
5. Abuse
I’m not one to excuse actions easily. Many people grow up being abused, or wind up in abusive relationships. Many grow above the abuse and become some truly beautiful people, showing love wherever they go. However, some never do. Rather than growing above the abuse, they allow it to shape them and their view of the world.
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These bullies use the excuse, “I was bullied, so I bully others.” Its bullshit in its highest form. Yet I am more likely to forgive someone in this category over others who do it simply to be mean. I won’t, however, allow them to lean on abuse as an excuse.
Abuse sucks; it does. There is really no simpler way to put it. These bullies allow it to shape them, mold them into carbon copies of their abusers. They whine, bitch, and complain about their abusers, and then do the exact same thing expecting a different result. Insanity, plain and simple; but a sad truth. Many of these people have gotten lost in the system, a system that continues to allow this abuse to occur.
These bullies blame that system, then use its flaws to benefit them. The system screwed them over, so they seek vengeance by screwing others over. “Life is hard, get over it.” “I’m just fine, you will be too.” “XXX happened to me, you have it easier.” “Quit playing victim, this is the way life is.” That last one angers me the most, to be honest. Because the ones who say it are all too often bullies themselves, and sadly clueless to the effects of their actions and words.
6. Helpless or hopeless
Innocent bystanders can reside in any one of these types, but this type includes ONLY innocent bystanders. These are people who see the bullies doing their thing, and do nothing about it because they feel helpless to stop it. To me, this is the most unforgivable of all. Sure, I may be showing some prejudice here, but I believe it is well earned. All through school we are taught to tell someone when we see something bad happening. Cops, teachers, and parents are there to protect us. Sometimes those people fail us, yes, but there are so many more people out there.
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As adults, we have other avenues. We can report the bullying to the bosses. Go up the chain of command if need be. We can report the bullying to the media. Get on Facebook and Twitter and make it known to the world. How many times have we seen videos this last year showing bullies doing their thing? The world has made it known that bullying is unacceptable.
And yet, these bystanders still feel helpless in the face of a bully. They continue to feed the bully what they want, and continue to allow this behavior.
Research sources (in no particular order)
(Yeah, I know, I have an interesting mix there...)
Next week I cover the effects these bullies have on their victims, as well as some further resources for help. Do the world a favor, keep sharing these posts. If I can stop one bully, or make one victim feel not alone, then I have done what I hoped to do; I have changed the world. Parents, let your kids read this series. Kids, have your parents read. Share it. Comment below with your thoughts. And I will speak more next week.
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| suicidepreventionlifeline.org |
Those of you who know me personally have seen me using the #bullyingstopswithme hash-tag. I encourage everyone to stand with me, now, by sharing these bully blogs out and adding that same hash-tag.
#bullyingstopswithme
#nohate
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