When life pushes you down... take a nap.

Long empty recycle basket...

Last night I found that I had somehow deleted my first book off both my computer and my external hard drive. I'll let that one sink in a moment.

My first book, gone forever. Yeah, there are recovery programs for free, and some you can buy, but no. If I can find it in a search, I'm done. Apparently the universe is telling me that I needed to rewrite it. But man does it hurt.

Now, if that was the only bad thing to happen this week, I would have been mostly ok. But then I get three letters from the federal government. One tells me I'm getting cut off of my SSI because I'm getting SSD now. Ok, fine. Great actually. The next letter killed me.

My ex husband is laughing down in Florida now. He's making plans on how he is going to blow all $21,000 of MY SSD back pay. Yup, you read that right. But here's why I am upset about this:

He is a sergeant in the county sheriff's department working at the county jail.
He makes over 50K a year.
He is taking care of our son.

I am disabled.
I have my daughter.
He is now taking 50% of my disability for child support for our son.

I love my son. It frikkin kills me knowing that either he hates me so much that he is refusing to talk to me, or that his father hates me so much that he's refusing to allow me to talk to my son. It kills me more knowing what my ex is like. He's the one who would spend our tax returns on himself and tell me I can't get my teeth fixed because his newest 'toy' was more important.

But now the federal government has entered into this. by giving all my back pay and 50% of my SSD, they are telling the universe that my son is more important than my daughter. Let that one sink in.

I must now support not just myself, but also my daughter on ONLY $450 a month. That's $5,400 a year. Yet my ex can not possibly support our son on $50,000 a year without the addition of my $5,400 a year contribution.

Yes, I've tried fixing this. I have been battling the state of Florida for years now. Most of that time the state of Oklahoma has been battling for me as well. Oklahoma thinks my daughter deserves more than what she is getting. Florida refuses to budge, and the federal government is now following behind them like a tame dog.

The combination of the two events has dropped down on me like an anvil. I've questioned why I even fight, and whether my presence on this planet is even worth it. The only answer I can think of is my daughter. My father and I are the only ones who have been there for her. I can't do something stupid, I can't hurt her. I refuse to.

So,  life has pushed me down, hard. Plans that I had made got crumbled to dust. There is really nothing I can do right now. So, I'm going to do the only thing life has allowed me to: I'm going to take a nap. So, life, take this as a proverbial finger. Screw you, Life, I'm napping.

~Kat