Bulies: Part 4 - Why Bullies Bully

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We already know what a bully is, and what types of bullies there are. Today I am covering why the bullies behave the way they do. If you have not read the first three posts, I strongly suggest doing so first.

Bullying: Part One - Definition

Bullying: Part 2 - Types of Bullies

Bullies: Part 3 - Types of Bullies pt2

Bullies bully for varying reason. Every anti-bullying site out there seems to have different opinions on why bullies do the things that they do. I’ve gone through several and have pinned down the reasons that I see pop up most often. At the bottom of this page, I’ll provide links to the main sites I have gathered information from, and I encourage you to visit them and read what they have to say for yourself.

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it. These are solely my opinions. I have no degree in psychology, nor am I an expert of any sort. I speak from what I have learned by experience and research. I urge you to contact someone of authority if you believe you are being bullied or if you know someone who is being bullied. Remember, no matter what, suicide is never an option. You are wanted and loved, even if you don’t realize it. If you are considering suicide, I beg of you to talk to a doctor, go to the E.R., or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255.

1. Power

Bullies feel more powerful when they bully. Its a high they get. They take pleasure in proving that they are more powerful, stronger, and even meaner than their chosen victim(s).

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These people are often powerless somewhere else in their life. Whether it is a bad marriage, or just a mental illness that makes them feel vulnerable, they try to regain that power through bullying others. These people often lack any kind of empathy towards others, and seek to dominate as many people as they can. They can, and do, use fear as their weapon: fear of violence, fear of demotion, fear of losing a job, fear of suspension in school. It all equates to power. They hold their victims lives in their grip, and use that hold often.

2. Reward

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This reward could be lunch money, popularity, the love of a parent, or promotion. No matter the case, the reward is never going to be enough. The targets for these bullies can be anyone from the lonely girl in the corner of the lunch room reading her book, or the top sales associate with an office full of friends. There is no “typical” for these bullies, but the all want the reward.

Gaining it not only means gaining some semblance of power, but its a true reward. Think Pavlov and his dogs. Bullying is the bells, and the popularity is the dog food. They continue bullying simply because they continue to be rewarded for bullying.

3. Prejudice

Hate groups are the biggest section of this category, but not all. People are stupid in larger groups, no matter how intelligent an individual may be. Its nature, unfortunately. These bullies feed off the “hive minds” of others.

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Most people, when they meet someone new, their mind is already processing facts: skin color, sexual orientation, nationality, heritage, social class, and more. Our prejudices are a result of how we react to that information. Do we treat the other person as if these bits of knowledge mean nothing, or do we change our behavior? These bullies use this information in spiteful ways, shunning anyone who doesn’t fit the right mold for them.

This, sadly, isn’t directed at only one group though. I will say, there is no reverse racism. Racism is racism is racism. I don’t care if the one being hateful is Spanish, Russian, Native American, or Martian; its hatred towards another race. Its wrong, and its bullying. I’ve seen people from the LGBT camp just as hateful as the ones from the other side of the battle line. And yes it is, sadly, a battle line.

This behavior is often rewarded by bucketfuls of media coverage, and continued followers. Break the coverage, break the chain of followers, and break the bully.

4. Fear

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Whether it is fear of the unknown, or a specific fear (such as losing a job or failing a class), these bullies use fear as their main motivation. Something has these bullies deep down terrified, and the only way they can see to ease that fright is to cause the same, or more, in their victims.

Fear is already a nasty little bugger, controlling its victims like puppets any time it comes to visit. Bullies are no different, but they allow that fear to control them in negative and harmful ways.

5. Abuse

I’m not one to excuse actions easily. Many people grow up being abused, or wind up in abusive relationships. Many grow above the abuse and become some truly beautiful people, showing love wherever they go. However, some never do. Rather than growing above the abuse, they allow it to shape them and their view of the world.

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These bullies use the excuse, “I was bullied, so I bully others.” Its bullshit in its highest form. Yet I am more likely to forgive someone in this category over others who do it simply to be mean. I won’t, however, allow them to lean on abuse as an excuse.

Abuse sucks; it does. There is really no simpler way to put it. These bullies allow it to shape them, mold them into carbon copies of their abusers. They whine, bitch, and complain about their abusers, and then do the exact same thing expecting a different result. Insanity, plain and simple; but a sad truth. Many of these people have gotten lost in the system, a system that continues to allow this abuse to occur.

These bullies blame that system, then use its flaws to benefit them. The system screwed them over, so they seek vengeance by screwing others over. “Life is hard, get over it.” “I’m just fine, you will be too.” “XXX happened to me, you have it easier.” “Quit playing victim, this is the way life is.” That last one angers me the most, to be honest. Because the ones who say it are all too often bullies themselves, and sadly clueless to the effects of their actions and words.

6. Helpless or hopeless

Innocent bystanders can reside in any one of these types, but this type includes ONLY innocent bystanders. These are people who see the bullies doing their thing, and do nothing about it because they feel helpless to stop it. To me, this is the most unforgivable of all. Sure, I may be showing some prejudice here, but I believe it is well earned. All through school we are taught to tell someone when we see something bad happening. Cops, teachers, and parents are there to protect us. Sometimes those people fail us, yes, but there are so many more people out there.

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As adults, we have other avenues. We can report the bullying to the bosses. Go up the chain of command if need be. We can report the bullying to the media. Get on Facebook and Twitter and make it known to the world. How many times have we seen videos this last year showing bullies doing their thing? The world has made it known that bullying is unacceptable.

And yet, these bystanders still feel helpless in the face of a bully. They continue to feed the bully what they want, and continue to allow this behavior.

Research sources (in no particular order)

Urban Martial Arts

About Health

Mighty Fighter

Stomp Out Bullying

(Yeah, I know, I have an interesting mix there...)

Next week I cover the effects these bullies have on their victims, as well as some further resources for help. Do the world a favor, keep sharing these posts. If I can stop one bully, or make one victim feel not alone, then I have done what I hoped to do; I have changed the world. Parents, let your kids read this series. Kids, have your parents read. Share it. Comment below with your thoughts. And I will speak more next week.

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Those of you who know me personally have seen me using the #bullyingstopswithme hash-tag. I encourage everyone to stand with me, now, by sharing these bully blogs out and adding that same hash-tag.

#bullyingstopswithme

#nohate

Bullies: Part 3 - Types of Bullies pt2

Last week I covered a few types of bullies. Today I have a few more for you. While most people recognized the kinds of bullies I listed last week, I’m sure there may be dissension with the ones listed below. These are bullies that most people don’t think of, or have been called other names in the past. I am calling them out for what they are. Bullies, those who enjoy the pain the inflict.

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1. Workplace


Normally it is a boss, or someone with ambitions to climb the ladder to the top. The workplace bully will pretend to be your friend, or even partner, then steal or ideas and downplay your role in projects behind your back. They will convince you that you are worthless, then go and take credit for all your ideas.


Or, they will be the ones to harass you for the way you dress, your skin color, your gender, or anything else they decide they don’t like about you. But they do this in private. There may be a few of their close friends around, but you can bet their boss isn’t listening. Should you complain to your boss, the coworker comes up with the amazing story about how you have been doing to him what he has been doing to you. Yup, the tables have been turned.


Sadly, most people are told to “suck it up” and “deal with it” when it comes to workplace bullying. Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t stay in the workplace. There are time that it follows you home, your family’s well-being gets threatened. This is no small problem, friends. This behavior is unacceptable, and often the result of previous behavior similar when the bully was in school. (Yes, bullies do grow up to be bullies. Amazing, right?)


2. Customers


“Customers are always right.” A LIE. I am not a god, nor am I always right. I do not wish to be treated that way. Neither are any of you gods. Unless, of course, you really are. In which case let me take a moment to say I’d really like to have a long talk with you about the state of the world.



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Moving on, customers can be even more evil than many of the other bullies listed. But they never do see to be included in these lists. Why? What is it that civilization thinks that they become so god-like when the have money in hand? We’ve all heard the tales, and we have all seen them. Perfectly nice people become horrid monsters once they have money and are standing in line at McDonald’s.


You are NOT that special. Nor are these customers who bully their ways through lines, degrade the person behind the counter, then proceed to bitch at every tiny movement they make, claiming everything is wrong and that the employee is being stupid “on purpose”. Or how about the customer who refuses to leave a tip for their overly friendly waitress because they learned last week that she was a lesbian? Or those people yelling at the elderly black cashier lady because she’s too slow in the express line? Normally it is the customers with 50 cans of tuna doing the complaining too.


The point is, all of these people weigh down on the employee. They begin to believe they are worthless and in turn begin to turn either increasingly morose, or increasingly angry. But this bullying seems to have become socially acceptable, and even encouraged by some people.


3. Parent’s cliques


I’m going to say it and I’m going to have too many people jump down my throat: SOCCER MOMS. When I call someone a Soccer Mom, I am NOT speaking specifically of those moms who happen to have children playing soccer. No, for me the term has become synonymous with bullies. Why? Because I was a football and baseball mom.


Parent’s cliques are not just a problem, they are also the

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SOURCE of many of the problems. These parents get together and tell tales of how wonderful their children are, and purposely exclude parents who either don’t measure up to their standards or have children who don’t measure up. The Soccer Mom complex does not just include the Caucasian parents either, I have seen the same complex in other races, and have seen some cliques of mixed races.


How many of you go to PTA/PTO meetings? Few do these days, and I know it isn’t always because of time constraints. I have seen my own FATHER pushed out of the social circle by these cliques. Why? Because he was a single father, and I was a fat intelligent girl. We didn’t measure up. The problem is that they often own the PTA/PTO, the coaches of teams, and even the leaders of the Girl and Boy Scouts. If your parent isn’t lucky enough to be part of the clique, you are unlikely to have any of the best coaching, or the best opportunity for advancement. In school, your thoughts are likely to be ignored. And the children of these parents are often the bullies of the kids who are not in these groups. Not always, but often.


I have news for you, your kids see how you behave. They hear you talk about that lady down the street. They know that her husband left her for someone prettier. And now they have that ammo to torture her kids with.


Your kids mimic you. If you are part of a bullying group, they will often do the same.


Kudos to the kids who defy this. You are the strong ones. And Kudos to the parents who, like me, openly defy them. Yeah, by the way, I was the freak who wore all black to the football games, and carried the bag full of crochet to work on. Yup, I heard you talking, and laughed.


4. Hate groups


Did you think I would leave them out? Please! The KKK and the Neo Nazis and assorted groups aimed at HATE of another living being are included. They are all bullies. These groups have the sole purpose of silencing another.



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Before you even ask, yes, terrorists belong here too.


Any club, group, or gang can be a hate group, and can be called bullies. NOT ALL. Here is the test:




• Do they specifically target certain humans from exclusion in activities? (for example: Pagans, Blacks, Gays, Christians, Whites, Men, Women, etc)
• Do they work to undermine certain human rights? (The right to live, work, be happy, be free, marry, etc)
• Do they think of themselves as above the law and/or above basic human rights? (Or even above some sort of religious book they use as a shield?)


If you can answer yes to at least two of those, then they can be included in this category. I’m sure I have missed some aspects. The point here is that hate groups are bullies. They even go so far as to murder, which brings their bullying into levels of insanity. Their sole purpose is to cause harm to others simply because they have the mistaken belief that they are better than everyone else.


This does NOT include police! For the average police officer, their role is to prevent bullies from harming others. There ARE police officers, however, who use their position to the detriment of all the others who serve. NOT ALL OF THEM ARE BAD. Be careful in your hatred of those bad officers; do not become a bully yourself. While the officers responsible for dragging the rest down with them are evil, they are the minority. Just as the Christians who wear white hoods are the minority. ‘Nuff said.


5. Politicians


You didn’t think I’d let them slide, did you?


Oklahoma had a state congresswoman introduce three bills into the state congress that would allow anyone to discriminate against the LGBT community. Unfortunately, Indiana’s governor just signed into law a similar bill. All over the world there are politicians who use their status for the sole purpose of causing pain to others.



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As with any other group, I do not include the whole. However, politicians do indeed have power over us. To make it worse, as Americans, we are the ones who gave them that power. I beg of you, Americans, register now to vote. Vote in every election, or run for office yourself. Let us work together to get the bullies out of office.


Included in this group are also the big corporations that flood the politician’s pockets in order to get laws written in their favor. This is not limited to any one political party, nor is it limited to federal government. Even in small towns this pay-off is present. These corporations use their money and power to influence the politicians, to bully them into voting in their favor. Many a good man and woman have fallen to this, and many more will continue to as long as our system permits it.


6. Spouses and family


Also called: domestic violence, child abuse, molestation, emotional abuse, passive aggressive parenting, and assorted other titles. It all boils down to bullying. The person who hurts you has some sort of power over you. The husband gets called “pussy whipped” by his peers, but they have no clue how violent his wife is. The child gets taunted for being so dependent on their mother, but they have no idea the way she berates them for every tiny mistake.





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A family member can be the most destructive kind of bully. These are people that one assumes is trustworthy. You assume that there is some sort of love there. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.


Familial bullies will use those assumptions to their favor. They will twist and pull until all that is left is a nightmarish twist on the word family. Too often it is either the spouse or children that take the brunt of this abuse. Sometimes, however, it is the aunt or uncle, or even one or more of the grandparents. Even cousins can be bullies. There is no limit here, and the forms the abuse can take are just as varied.


7. Indifferent people or “innocent bystanders”

By far, the scariest bully of them all. The one who sees it and does nothing, says nothing. It is one thing to know your enemy, but when you are in a group setting and you look around for some sort of help and see nothing but indifference… That, my friends, is the most helpless, hopeless, and twisted sort of nightmare.

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By allowing the bullies to continue to bully, we are indeed being bullies ourselves. Every single time someone is being hurt and we allow it, we are acknowledging that bully’s dominance.

Those of you who know me personally have seen me using the #bullyingstopswithme hash-tag. I encourage everyone to stand with me, now, by sharing these bully blogs out and adding that same hash-tag. Next week I cover why bullies feel the need to behave the way they do.

If you’re just coming into the middle of this series, I encourage you to start from the beginning:

Definition of a bully

Types of Bullies pt1

#bullyingstopswithme

#nohate