Well, its been a while since I've written anything personal, I guess its due. I hate deadlines. They love to loom over me, badger and bully me, and finally toss me into depression and hopelessness because I just can never seem to meet them. And I love how doctors and insurance carries never seem to agree. The doc says I need a medicine, the drug company has decided it needs to cost over $600 a month to take it, and the insurance company doesn't feel like paying more than my rent each month for the medicine. But at least I finally got one to listen to me. She's prescribed me something to help with the anxiety and panic attack. It seems to be working, but eh, you never know until you've taken it for a while.
I was attempting to make a deadline for a publisher's submission call. I needed to get a short story written and submitted by... tomorrow. Its not happening. Too many elements, in my control and out of my control, were stacked against me. Needless to say, I'm not happy. I spent a good length of time battling with this short story, but in the end, the Deadline Bully won. It stripped me of all my confidence; had me second, third, fourth, and fifth guessing myself. I was able to get 5K words, but it wasn't a good or finished 5K. Even if I were to spend this time on finishing it, there is still editing to be done. Now, I guess I'm reduced to blogging it. I'll share it come the holiday season.
$600... My rent on this house is $500, which means the medicine my doctor says I need is more than my rent! How insane is that? I do need it, though. This medication is supposed to help me stay awake during the day. I have narcolepsy, I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. This medicine is supposed to help me more than caffeine does. Besides, everyone knows how unhealthy caffeine can be. Insurance companies, however, are all about money. They aren't willingly going to spend that large an amount for a medication. They are going to fight it tooth and nail. In the end, it is likely they'll win. What that means is that there is nothing I'll be able to do for my narcolepsy. Fun stuff. Be used to me sleeping everywhere.
But my psych doctor finally listened. I'd been telling her about my anxiety and panic attacks, and she kept ignoring me. Yesterday, she heard me. Hooray! I took it for the first time today before going grocery shopping. I found myself actually talking with strangers. I wasn't shying away for me. Score one for Kat! I'm not ready to leave the house alone, but maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to soon. This medicine is just one more step closer to managing how messed up my brain is.
Well, I'm going to close this with love. I have had the support and encouragement of some truly amazing people. Torie James happens to be at the top of that list. Yeah, she's been more encouraging than family, simply because family has had their own problems to deal with. It helps me, knowing that there are those who care. It helps knowing that someone wants to see me succeed. Danielle is yet another of those lifting me up. So is Jason I., though he may not realize it while dealing with his family. Then there's Julie, and all my friends in my NaNo group. A great group of people there. I just want to say thank you, to all of you. You may not know, or even see what you have done for me, but every kind word has lifted my spirits. I just hope I won't let any of you down, I don't want to disappoint any of you. That thought is actually one of the scariest I've had in the past couple of months.
Until next time,
K Perrin
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