Ups and Downs of Family

Let me be clear here: I love my family. The blood relatives and the ones we have adopted through the years. The bond there is just as strong whether blood is involved or not.

I got into a discussion last night via Facebook messenger, because most of the time getting true face time with any of my local family seems nigh impossible. The jist of this discussion was that I'm not including everyone in my plans, and am using family like door mats. If you have my real life profile friended on Facebook, then you already know what my response was. But just for clarification, Have a screenshot. Family broke me.

This isn't something that happens often, but these particular family members have a habit of doing it more often than others. Perhaps it is because we are so close. But I had to log off last night because I seriously just couldn't. Couldn't think, couldn't even see through the tears.

All I had wanted to do was enjoy a night with people who shared a similar interest with me: NaNoWriMo. Yup, they were upset because I didn't ask them to come with us. But let me make my case:

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. The meeting was with several members of the Stillwater region participants. These were people who were actually going to DO NaNo. For the past month (YEAR, actually) I have been encouraging and asking and begging these family members to join me in the quest for 50 thousand words. They continually said "no" or "not now" or some other such comment. However, there was ONE family member who is joining me for NaNo. I took THEM to the meeting.

Secondly, I didn't know I was going until the last minute. Seriously, I was supposed to RSVP by noon, I sent the message at 11:55am. Even then I wasn't sure until around 2 that afternoon. With the meet-up at 6, that didn't give me much time to try to convince them to join. So no, I didn't try. I had basically given up on them joining this year.


Then we have the day before when I dropped by their house and begged one of them to go with me to the highschool so I could take Kitten trick-or-treating through the school and play at the Fall Festival. That was true last minute stuff there, and the reception wasn't very warm. I felt guilty, and felt like a burden. Being told that I'd have to do Saturday's trick-or-treat alone didn't help either. Yeah, I feel like a burden.

Of course, spending Sundays with them doesn't seem to count. I'm honestly beginning to wonder why I keep trying.

I have a big family dinner planned for tonight. I wanted to make things simple for these three family members. I wanted to do something special for them on Samhain. A family dinner and celebration to honor our ancestors. I don't have everything I need for ritual, so we were just going to have the gathering. I wanted it stress free on them, and didn't want to take away any of their food for the month. Hells, even I know that the 31st is one of the hardest days for them because its that one last day before food stamps. I wanted something special!

But why? Why do I even care? Why do I even want to bawl my eyes out NOW, hours after the original discussion. (We don't call them fights or arguments anymore, apparently.) For once we were going to be able to do SOMETHING besides kitchen witchery, we were going to celebrate! And now I'm not even sure why I tried.

I have so many mental problems that it isn't even really funny anymore. This hurts, deeply, that I would be considered so cold and callous. And here's the sick part: I take ALL the blame here. Yup, I admit it was all my fault. I shouldn't have tried to better myself. I shouldn't have tried to make new friends. I should just sit my happy ass here in the bedroom playing Farmville2 and give up on my dreams like they did. Because, who needs dreams anyway?

Family will only smash them to pieces and force you back into reality.

Give up.

Besides, I'm not worthy enough to have dreams so large.

Instead, I should concentrate on making everyone happy.

Hells, I fail at that too, so why try.

Fuck it, I'm done. OUT.